Friday, February 13, 2015

Handyman Nascar on the I-29

© A. Quintin Smith 2015

I have been called the untouchable by many of my friends but its really about having friends from all walks of life. They call me this because I have gotten into mischief of one kind or the other over the years and somehow I always come out smelling like a rose. Well a lot of them wouldn't say that, they've smelled me before. On with the story.

I was driving my new Ford Transit, a work van with a helicopter ladder on top. You will have to google that if you want to know more. I once turned a work van into a helicopter. Any how I pulled off the Barry and onto the I-29 when up from behind me  a lady comes screaming in a little grey Nissan. She whips it to the left, then the right, weaving in and out of cars. She got in front of me and slammed on her brakes as we merged onto the interstate.

Well I had seen enough. I jumped on that 1.8 liter engine like I was in my first race at the Daytona and made my move. She was having none of that and cut me off like Petty did to Waltrip so many times. Then she slammed on the brakes again, sped up past two cars to the right of her and flipped them off as she passed. This gal was in full out road rage.

I followed close and waited for my first opportunity moved over a couple of lanes and passed her on the outside. I made it over just in time to box her in traffic. She didn't like that one bit so she pulled within inches of my bumper and started to draft. It was time to give her a bit of her own medicine. I hit the brakes, gently at first, which didn't shake her and then full on to back her off.

I could see flames in the rear-view mirror, I am not sure if they were coming out her nose or her ears. She whipped to the right, I cut her off, she whipped to left and I cut her off again. She was getting a dose of her own medicine and I could tell she didn't like it.

I thought maybe she would get the hint and just back off. Not a chance. She wanted more. I slowed down a little then pushed her towards the outside wall as she tried to pass. Dale Earnhart would have been proud, I'm sure.
This scared her just a little bit. She backed off and did something even more stupid. While driving down the road, close behind me, she raised up her Iphonapad Android 5.9 or something like that and began taking pictures. I could see her in my mirror as she weaved back and forth, as she tried to steady the cameraphone doohicky in front of her face.

I decided I had enough it was time to get off. I moved over two lanes and jumped off on the 45 headed west. That crazy psycho followed me down the ramp like she was coming to my home to kick my ass.

I slowed down and let her pass. She saluted me, screaming at the closed glass as if I could read her lips. Holding the phone and talking to someone at the same time.

That's when I felt a buzz. My phone rang. My friend the Sheriff's deputy on the other end said, "What are you doing?" I said. " Going over to the fishing lake to change out a lady's garbage disposal, why?" He said, "Your name just came over the box, not the first time, but were you involved in something?"

It appeared the crazy lady that owned I-29 had called 911 and told them I was trying to kill her. Hell if I was trying to kill her, I would have kept my foot on the brake. I told him I was just dishing out a little of her own medicine and looking after a few other drivers that had been offended by her along the way. He laughed and said, "Only you, have a good day."

I went on and did my job but It made me mad. This lady turned our encounter into the NFL. The second guy that throws the punch always gets the penalty flag. I wasn't buying it. It made me mad. I called my friend back and ask him if I should file a report too?
 He said, "Funny you should ask, the lady was so mad she stopped into the police dept to do just that." It turns out that while she was on her phone so were several other people who she had cut off, cussed out or flipped off on the way. They had her in custody for careless and imprudent driving, threatening drivers with her vehicle and being a general no good brat.

I couldn't resist. I drove to the police station. No not to give a report but to bail her out. I went through the paper work. I even found out her name.

When they brought her to the front desk her eyes turned red and that fire I saw earlier started coming out her ears. She started yelling, "that's him, that's him."

I ask her directly, "You mean the guy you cut off and when you got in front of me you slammed on your brakes?  The guy you flipped off and cussed?"

She immediately got quite. She said "No, I didn't do any of that. I am a nice person. I wouldn't do that to anyone."

I turned to the officer and said.  " I was mistaken. This is not the woman I thought she was. I can't bail this woman out.

She realized what was happening and confessed the whole scene to God, the officer of the day, and a few random people who were standing around.

The officer looked at me and just grinned. "So do you want to bail her out or not?"

I got a little smirk on my face and said, "No, I think I'm good. "

He laughed and said, "Better than some detectives I think."

I turned and made my way back to the clerk to collect my money. They returned the lady who wouldn't hurt anybody to her cell. She was screaming obscenities all the way and promising there would be another day if she ever saw me again.

So if you see a gray Nissan and White Ford Transit on the highway I would keep my distance if I were you.

Learn more about A. Quintin Smith

Other blogs by A. Quintin Smith
Understanding Andy
Paradise on Earth
Northland Kansas City